masking
the beard and brother b are playing video games in the front room with the cynics (both) while i lie in bed. he has been back from the field two years, but we haven't seen him much until the past two months.
when brother b is here, it always recalls old times, the bands the beard and i both share(d) with him, rubber gloves, pedro, starflyer, the door, the ridiculously long conversations about luther (full five points or not), the all of it, etc.
old times. definitely a fair amount of nostalgia.
they are supposed to be writing music, but they are playing video games and talking about bands, new and old, drinking bourbon and pabst and the bottle of kraken i just bought today.
it is easy to believe that, in the past ten years, i have not changed much - that i am pretty much who i was ten years ago. in truth i very much am and am not, all at the same time. i imagine this is how most people feel looking back at their past selves.
in this box i am limited, but also, ultimately free. you can draw whatever conclusions you like about me, who i am, how i live, even what i look like. chances are, you would be completely off base. but that is the beauty of this, and always was, that my thoughts can exist free of this body, that who i am in the flesh does not influence or inform the words on this page.
this is something i have thought about a lot this past week, possibly month, and why i have been drawn back here. i feel weighted by my day to day existence as of late. i love the life i have carved out for myself, but also feel trapped by it . here i am not trapped.
tomorrow i will quit focusing quite so inward and go on about life, and maybe forget about this space for days or longer.
the beat of the music has changed, if my girls were here we'd dance, but as they are not, i will turn out my light.
11:46 p.m. - 2012-08-10