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an entry from a past diary, dated 10/14/2004.

thank you, me four years ago. i needed to hear this.


we are not, cannot be, who we were.

looking back at myself even a year ago leaves me in awe.
(moving not vertically nor horizontally, but in diagonals.)

my personal evolution, while not drastic, is nothing to be taken lightly. & i feel that i've finally found the delicate balance between holding on to the past for memories sake as opposed to holding onto it as my lifeline.
depending on your past to keep you afloat will, at best, result in treading water for some time and at worst result in drowning.
(i think the later is eventually inevitable.)

still, i think we can all look back at our personal histories & find some point at time where we felt our truest. to look back at say that's when i was really (insert name).
like some form of personal concentrate - the purest version of you.

if you're lucky you hold onto that, but most of us drift away from it. we are either left struggling to reincarnate the past exactly as it was, or we realize that we must grow, & there is another, purer version of ourselves yet to be found.

i have not found that yet.
(not for lack of searching)
i am on the verge of it, and sometime soon after january fifteenth two thousand and five (my wedding day) i think i will begin to find it.

but until that point, the truest version is nineteen & in toronto, on a swingset.
(& m.b., you are by my side)

the past, once it is gone, crumbles. memories are only a fraction of the pieces that are left. we carry the balance through the physical.
friendships, locations, etc.
they seem to be more tangible.

this week i realized that the largest of these pieces, something precious that for years i carried close to my heart, is slipping away from me.
and there is nothing i can do about it.

business has a way of muting emotions, but only for a while.
in the midst of my remaining three months preparation - the quest to find a purer me, the opportunity to grow into someone... this serves as a bittersweet reminder of the journey. i hate to let go, but at the same time the ability to is evidence of the fact that i am moving in the right direction.
(in spite of those things my heart is telling me right now)

10:18 p.m. - 2008-11-05

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