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i could not see the truth, for it was too beautiful

the evening passed unremarkably, making onslaught of the storm seem all the more sudden and fierce.
we were still awake, in the early hours, when the rain turned to sleet, coating everything in a thick layer of ice.

in the morning the world was new. alien and eerily beautiful.
i padded through this new world silently.
glassy, white, and dangerous.
branches snapped under the weight of their new adornment.
trees fell and yet i was mesmerized.

i could not see the destruction.
i could not see the truth because it was hidden in beauty.
and when everything melted away, brokenness was left.

guilt be damned, i will never be ashamed that we fled. it was all that we could do. opportunity gone, chances exhausted - we fled.
and did not look back.
we could not see the truth because it was hidden in beauty. an opportunity so alluring that it proved to good to be true.
and what we left behind was broken.
in the days following the storm we fled, leaving everything behind.
and then we started over.

the treeline is fractured and disjointed. and yet new trees grow amongst the dead. i will not let the beauty fool me again. the breath no longer catches in my chest when i see those hills, the red rocks tumbling towards the water, the way the river winds it way along...
the pain is too real and still fresh in that place.
here, in our real home, it is easy to forget the hurt of those months. the darkness is easy to push away. the guilt and the shame and inadequacy seem far off.
but there - there, the brokenness remind me. i will never be happy there again.
and every visit to your boyhood home will forever be cause for hurt.

7:19 p.m. - 2008-12-03

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