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simply

i hate that, in some aspects of being, i still feel the same way now that i did at fifteen.

that was half a lifetime ago and the feeling that i truly operate on a different wavelength from everyone else just won't go away.

when i was younger i just chalked it up to youth but i'm beginning to get the feeling that it had nothing do with that at all.

even my husband says this of me at times, and for the most part i am very proud to be who i am. but sometimes i just getting fucking sick of being on the outside.
of everything.

i'm tired of feeling the same way i did in junior high, spending my lunch period in a bathroom stall because of my refusal to give in - to be someone i wasn't in order to feel the smallest amount of relief from the pain of being thirteen.

it's sad that i put a higher premium on "sameness" now than i did then but i am just tired of the scene, tired of the forced different, tired people who try far too hard. tired of pretention and the subjective. tired of the fact that different isn't really different at all - just another way to package sameness. and that well into adulthood we never outgrow the tendency to label and box what we aren't.

i hate that these sound like the ramblings of someone half my age.

and i am ashamed to admit that, on some level, i am jealous of those that can turn it all off. and i wonder if that is sameness or simplicity.

i could use some simplicity.

8:08 p.m. - 2009-02-26

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