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ophelia skates to brown damask

i return here because:
in this, there is safety.
a safety i cannot explain, rooted in, possibly, it's refusal to change, with a good bit of nostalgia mixed in. it is here i started, and here i return.

i have cheated on you, yes, time and time again. but it's here i return. to safety. to my box. to something so backwards it helps foster this sense of anonymity i so desire.

(require).

i am out of practice, in so very many ways.

i turned off my senses. i turned off everything, in order not to feel pain. in order not to feel so damn much, period. but when you turn one thing off, it all follows suit. and i want to feel again, pain and all.

in truth, my stubborn and precise control was more effective than medicine. but also far more damaging.

i lost so much. so much time wasted. so much potential, so many thoughts.

i am so fucking scared that i can't get back, that i will never be able to get back, that i lost too much, so so fucking much and i am too old and too hard now.

would i, as i exist now, be unrecognizable to myself 10 years ago?

11:19 p.m. - 2012-08-02

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