ophelia skates to brown damask
i return here because:
in this, there is safety.
a safety i cannot explain, rooted in, possibly, it's refusal to change, with a good bit of nostalgia mixed in. it is here i started, and here i return.
i have cheated on you, yes, time and time again. but it's here i return. to safety. to my box. to something so backwards it helps foster this sense of anonymity i so desire.
(require).
i am out of practice, in so very many ways.
i turned off my senses. i turned off everything, in order not to feel pain. in order not to feel so damn much, period. but when you turn one thing off, it all follows suit. and i want to feel again, pain and all.
in truth, my stubborn and precise control was more effective than medicine. but also far more damaging.
i lost so much. so much time wasted. so much potential, so many thoughts.
i am so fucking scared that i can't get back, that i will never be able to get back, that i lost too much, so so fucking much and i am too old and too hard now.
would i, as i exist now, be unrecognizable to myself 10 years ago?
11:19 p.m. - 2012-08-02