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songs and affirmations

music carries so much power.

the way a sudden lilt can make my heart swell. the way a beat can make me rowdy. lyrics that connect to me in a way i can't explain but feel so deeply.

the roll of the creator in almost all mediums is passive once their work is released out into the world; the power of associative memory being the thing they have the least control over.

there are albums i love, not necessarily because they are brilliant, but because they carry with them memories of a happy past.

and others that it literally pains me to listen to.

after ten years i am finally, really listening to radiohead's kid a and amnesiac again. i couldn't for so long. or maybe just radiohead in general. though i have every album released since then, i have not allowed myself to love them in the same way. even seeing them live, there was a certain disconnect. the depth of the hurt they recalled was too near. it felt too present. not enough time had passed.

those were my favorite albums during that darkest period. i listened to them over and over through that winter, now eleven years ago.

when i try and really think about it, that girl, that past self, she is the hardest to relate to. that raw, open wound, walking and breathing, but not feeling.

(and then feeling so much i no longer felt in control.)

maybe it is best, for all of the versions of me that have existed since that point, that we can't recall that period well. so much was forgotten in the haze of that severe low and the wrong medications.

there was so much hurt during that period in my life, but so much freedom born out of it. that was the beginning of who i am now.

it was the experience that pruned back the last of childhood and adolescence, so that i could (eventually) become whole again, on the other side, moving towards forever.

and if i can think back on it without recalling the catalyst, the guilty parties, the brokenness, but instead what was born out of it, i think i can finally start to be okay.

to not feel guilty that it was such a turning point in my life because of the catalyst. i allowed something small to have too much power for too long.

so from here on out i will strive to look back on that period for all the good that came out of it, and not the turn of events that caused it.

and i will listen to some kid a, damn it, and i will enjoy the person that i have become.

8:37 p.m. - 2012-10-07

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