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music carries so much power.

the way a sudden lilt can make my heart swell. the way a beat can make me rowdy. lyrics that connect to me in a way i can't explain but feel so deeply.

and then there is the other power of music. the passive one. the one the artist has no control over - the power of associative memory.

there are albums i love, not necessarily because they are brilliant, but because they carry with them memories of a happy past.

and others that it literally pains me to listen to.

after ten years i am finally, really listening to radiohead's kid a and amnesiac again. i couldn't for so long. or maybe just radiohead in general. though i have every album released since then, i have not allowed myself to love them in the same way. even seeing them live, there was a certain disconnect. the depth of the hurt they recalled was too near. it felt too present. not enough time had passed.

those were my favorite albums during that darkest period. i listened to them over and over through that winter, now eleven years ago.

when i try and really think about it, that girl, that past self, she is the hardest to relate to. that raw, open wound walking and breathing, but not feeling.

(and then feeling so much i no longer felt in control.)

maybe it is best, for all of the versions of me that have existed since that point, that we can't recall that period well. so much was forgotten in the haze of medication.

i hate the cliche that is depression. i really hate it. i hate myself for being depressed, and not because i wanted to be better, but it was just so unbelievably stereotypical. a depressed artist. what a novelty.

so if there was a way to describe and never have to use that word, i wouldn't hate talking about it the way that i do.

there was so much hurt during that period in my life, but so much freedom born out of it. that was the beginning of who i am now.

it was the experienced that pruned back the last of childhood and adolescence, so that i could (eventually) become whole again, on the other side, moving towards forever.

and if i can think back on it without recalling the catalyst, the guilty parties, the brokeness, but instead what was born out of it, i think i can finally start to be okay.

to not feel guilty that it was such a turning point in my life because he was part of it. to be honest, i think it gives him too much power. on his own his is insignificant. my mind trumped him so that he could somehow be worthy of all the change he brought about.
but in the end he was just a selfish half-man asshole, and that is not a person that deserves power.
just pity.

so from here on out i will strive to look back on that period for all the good that came out of it, and not
the turn of events that caused it.

and i will listen to some kid a, damn it, and i will enjoy the person that i have become.

8:37 p.m. - 2012-10-07

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