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ophelia knows best

so the old feeling has crept up again. i'm being fairly open about it this time around, so i think that is good. it paves the way for forward movement. i think i'm better at recognizing it as i get older. and, in general, my life is much less complicated now. it's easier to see, as there are fewer distractions.

i am prone to it, yes. but for myself at least, it never comes without some sort of catalyst. it makes it easier. i know everyone isn't this lucky. i know for some the old feeling comes for no reason.

but, for myself, not the case - so we are catalyst tracking, the husband and i.

and i think it boils down to two things:

- i'm in incredibly poor health. i hate this. but it brings me down, and then i just cease to care. when i cease to care, i cease to take care of myself, and as you can see, that just becomes a downward spiral.

i must embrace the fact that i cannot function the way most people function. i have to own my illness and realize that i must be much more careful than most. and honestly, it sucks feeling like an old lady in a young body. it sucks being so severely limited by something invisible. in small ways, i feel it separates me even more than i already am - it's just another degree apart from everyone else. physically apart, because i haven't felt well enough nor had the energy to do much. mentally apart, because i am preoccupied constantly with either trying hard or actively not giving a fuck, knowing in the back of my mind that this attitude carries heavy ramifications. practically apart, in that in the most basic functions of life - eating and drinking, have become complicated.

- catalyst number two, which i hate to even mention, are the events which have bookended my adulthood thus far. events which don't directly involve me (though i was definitely victimized) and have shaped who i have been in the last 15 years more than anything else i've experienced. which is: very sure of myself, not afraid to speak what i feel, and yet highly distrusting of others and their motives.

only a very small part of me feels vindicated - that everything i had long suspected was indeed true, and that i wasn't imagining things. the rest of me, however, is just incredibly sad. while i knew it was true, i never wanted to believe it. because to believe it would be to admit that the longest friendship i've had, the only friendship i've maintained since childhood, was built on lies and deceit. and now it's happened in reverse, and to be honest, i have a hard time feeling sorry for her. how can she lord over someone else what she herself could never look me in the eye and fully admit to? and yes, so much other shit has gone down which does not involve me, but after all this time, the very least i deserve is honesty.

sooo, catalysts addressed. time to pick up and move forward. today i am praying for wholeness, healing, and energy.

9:11 a.m. - 2014-10-21

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