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Mac DeMarco songs give me feels

I cannot sleep tonight. Likely because of the caffeine in my migraine medicine, but also because I keep replaying scenes from the past 15 years in my head. The afternoon in the Japanese gardens, so long ago it seems like another lifetime. The jewelry shop in Kensington Market. The train sounds at th wedding. The dance parties and debauchery that extended too far into adulthood. Listening to Ester Drang as loud as I could possibly handle to drown out the hurt they inflicted.
I still do not fully understand how a marriage other than my own has had such a profound impact of my adult life. Tonight I find myself shamefully relieved at it's overdue dissolution.
I remember the afternoon we sat on the stoop of her mother's home, when she poured out her heart and shared her regret. And told me she should have been with someone else. And it would still be two fucking years before I realized I was just a beard.
I keep thinking about the day we spent with them this summer, in the few months they were back together, and how surreal that day felt. Like we were all trying our best to be grown ups; like nothing really happened.
I am in a really good place right now. Best, probably, of my adult life. I cut out the shit and surrounded myself with people I aspire to be like instead of people who keep me anchored to the past.
But tonight I am remembering, and I am sad for two people I loved very much, once upon a time when I was young. And I am truly relieved that it's all over, and that maybe i can shut this door once and for all.

11:59 p.m. - 2016-02-15

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