Untitled Artwork

drums

I can’t sleep at night. After years of forcing myself to stay awake, due to parenting two children with anxiety and insomnia, the sad truth is that they now sleep at night while I cannot. My brain can’t
turn off and all the pain seems amplified. I move back and forth between the bed and the recliner all night. I spend my mornings exhausted and struggling to stay awake.

I went in to the office for a couple of hours today, planning to nap when I got home, but instead found Cory & M playing music in the living room. They have been going over the same song over and over. It’s not something I recognize. Something new. Live drums are hard to sleep through.

I talked to M for a little when I came in. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. His hair is the longest that I’ve seen it since high school. If I’d have guessed which of my high school/college friends would still be in my life twenty years later, I certainly wouldn’t have guessed M. He exasperates me but I can’t help but feel a soft spot for him at the same time. Sympathy for shitty brains that make everything an uphill battle.

I guess 2020 is almost over, blah blah blah. We are staying in with the girls tomorrow. So many people are going on about what a bad year it was. I wish people wouldn’t confuse bad with hard. I truly believe that hardships refine us. Back in July everything seemed impossible, just trying to literally keep both of my kids stable and alive, and that was before Cory broke his ankle. Looking back I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. We have learned and grown so much. And we have grown so much closer.

I mean, I get that some people DID have bad years. Shitty things happen; evil people exist. But being forced to grow as a person isn’t a bad thing, even if it is incredibly difficult.

5:31 p.m. - 2020-12-30

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