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I think I’ve finally been released.

I let my mind wander.
I fully gave in. I allowed the thoughts to push ahead, full steam. For once I didn’t suppress them. I allowed myself to feel it all.

I’ve never understood why it bothers me so much. My own feelings are often enigmatic - even to me. So I followed every rabbit trail, every fucked up fantasy. Why haven’t I been able to let this go for the past twenty years?

And damnit! Why didn’t I allow myself this indulgence years ago? Because in the conclusion I realized one simple, life-altering, freeing truth:

People change.

I’ve kept tabs enough to know that I don’t think I’d like you. Not who you’ve become. And you may very well not like me. So why have you haunted me for so long? What is the point?

I once complained that your existence was the persistent drip of a faucet, a constant reminder of what was, what was no longer, and what could have been.

No more. No more.

I love 30 Rock - and please follow me here, this thought is related - there is an episode where one of the main characters is in a particularly bad situation. He can either claw his way out of it or allow himself to fall further. He likens the situation to an ice climbing trip. Badly injured he can either claw himself out or allow himself to fall deeper “into the crevasse”. He chooses the later and, through that action, finds his way out of his predicament.

After years of resisting I fell “into the crevasse”, so to speak. And finally found freedom.

About a week later I dreamt you, once again. After months of dreaming you almost nightly (and not just you, but the whole cast of characters), it was no surprise that you showed up. It wasn’t you, though. Just someone that looked like you, telling me what I wanted to hear. Assuaging away my epiphany. It was a fruitless attempt. I can never unlearn what I know now with absolute certainty- I could not let go because I never allowed myself to think about you, not really, and certainly not enough to think things through to their logical end.

I am finally free.

For real this time, goodbye Ghost. I genuinely wish you well. But I will not miss you.

12:02 a.m. - 2021-01-11

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