Atoms, stars, cereal, spiders
Statler & Waldorf.
That’s what they called the two of us. And if that wasn’t incriminating enough, even you called me the dilettante. It was admiration disguised as a gentle reproof. Now it just makes me sad.
I wish you had seen me better. I wish you had seen better in me.
We should have stayed just friends or, better yet, I wish I had never let you seep in at all. I’ll always feel guilty and there will never be way to go back and fix it.
The problem was proximity. Similar tastes, shared majors, shared friends, playing in the same band. Before I realized what was happening we were spending all of our time together.
And the things you would write. God. It’s really no wonder The Idiot reminds me of you:
I think your atom, it will never go back to peace, to cereal or rocks or anything like that. Once it has been seduced there is no way back. That seduced atom has energies that seduce people, and these rarely get lost. I summon your words, o my stars. Without you there is nothing.
- Elif Batuman
I still remember the agonizingly appealing existence of the fly in relation to the spider, the Don Quixote fight, the insistence at the statistical insignificance of being in my top-one-percent, yet you demand my 200%, Diogenes, - all of it. Everything you said that left me twisted and confused.
Fuck, did I make the wrong choice in all of that.
The one thing I know with absolute certainty is that I was right to walk away - we would have made each other miserable. We were the critics, the cynics, two anchors pulling each other down.
I swear to you, the first time I met Cory, there was such an aura of light and buoyancy.
It turned a light on in me.
In the end you only served to dim.
5:08 p.m. - 2023-06-05