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lovesick

It's amazing how quickly times moves now. What seems like a few weeks ago has actually been over a year, and I realize that I've abandoned this space once again.

I loved really hard when I was young. Too hard. And not just people - everything. Sounds, songs, movies, the way the air smelled after summer rain, watching the sun come up after staying out all night. Don't we all love like that when we are young? The world is ours and every experience feels unique to us, to the moment.

The down side of loving so hard is the hurt that comes with it. Things that happened in my early 20s scarred me more deeply than anything I've experienced, despite suffering much bigger blows in the years since. When you get older you learn not to love as hard... or at least not in the same way. I love my husband deeply, in a way I will never be able to fully articulate. But it's not the same reckless love of my youth. My breath rarely catches in my chest these days, and I'm okay with that. Because you know what's exhausting? Constantly feeling that way. With that feeling came uncertainty, doubt, and emotional whiplash. With that feeling came medications that made me feel like a stranger in my own body. I like feeling like myself, in my own body, even if that body is one that deals with chronic illness and hurts more days than not. Even if that body is exhausted from working, and taking care of a house, and dealing with two lovely little girls, one of whom is special needs.

All of this came about from listening to the lyrics of some songs my husband's band wrote. They are fucking good songs, but if I pay too much attention to the lyrics, my heart starts to break again. The people I loved so hard when I was young have all grown apart. Grown up. Divorced. Broken relationships, both platonic and romantic. And these lyrics tell the story of the final nail in the coffin. It just hurts to look back at the optimistic kids we used to be and think "for some of you, this story doesn't end well".

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe others are more measured in their feelings. Maybe others heeded wisdom and guarded their hearts in their youth. But I loved too hard, and now I am paying for it.

Maybe I still love too hard, but I know how to turn it off. Until I hear a song that leaves me undone, if only for a little bit.

12:28 p.m. - 2017-03-10

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