If you always choose the path of least resistance, you will eventually meet a dead end.
I am awakening from some sort of fugue state - one in which I have disassociated myself from almost all of those around me with the exception of my husband, somehow both systematically and subconsciously, probably without much of anyone noticing.
This isn't the first time it's happened, and though I pray it will be the last, I am not sure how to stop it from happening again. It always begins so innocently.
I will lose time - sometimes for days, sometimes for months. I aware of what is happening in the moment, and I could recount my day to you... probably even what I did a month ago. My memory is fine. But I float, listless, from one activity to another, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, on edge without knowing why. Lazy and apathetic, doing whatever the bare minimum required of me may be. I used to think it was the meds, but I haven't taken them in years, and I still fall in and out of this.
I could go into great detail on the myriad of reasons why this happens - an autoimmune disease that leaves me frequently fatigued, an introverted nature, pride, the intentional steps away from an unhealthy social group, hiding behind the excuse of a busy husband, a very tough set of circumstances over the past month and a half, disappointment at the outcome of a recent trip.
I made the right decision by removing myself from an unhealthy social group about a year and a half ago. Unfortunately, I realize now, I am even more socially inept than I previously thought. Without the cushion of that peer group, I sort of float away, alone, further & further from meaningful interaction with other adults. I am never sure what the exact roadblock is with making connections. I swear, sometimes I feel like the white noise of people. If you take the time to single me out, I'm pleasant enough. But I get lost in the background so easily. Providing comfort but never garnering much attention. I've allowed myself to shrink inwardly to a point of near insanity. And my fear is never letting people in, because honestly, I sort of like me. A lot. My fear is that other people are so superficial that they won't see that. How condescending am I?
This has all been sort of stream of consciousness. I'm trying to work out my crap.
Remembering from my childhood: I need thee. Every hour I need thee.
Even if it’s not true.
1:48 p.m. - 2015-07-21