time loop
I had one of those moments today, where the curtain slides away and you feel like you’re seeing something you shouldn’t.
I’m chalking it up to a multitude of influences, not the least of which is that I’m still a little high, the result of consuming an edible at 5 am (pain). Emotionally speaking, I am adrift - big things have transpired over the past few days, things that I don’t yet have words for. And well, okay, I’ve been reading a book about time-traveling back to the eve of Y2K, so my early 20s have been on the brain.
Completed a few errands around town, ending with a run to the bank. For whatever reason, even through moves out of state and out of country, I’ve kept an account open at a rinky-dink credit union on the far side of town, directly next to where C works, where C has worked since we were 19, and it’s impossible not to think about him in that place. In this mood. Time has long diminished any hold he once had on me, but not the sadness. Never that. It’s been too long, carrying this around, but I can’t seem to shake it, no matter how hard I try.
Transaction completed, I leave, and all I can see is the change. How this town, like so many of the other DFW suburbs, is swollen compared to its former self. Strip malls and restaurants and endless new housing additions. All at once, it’s so easy to see how things were, and the contrast is startling.
It’s so hard sometimes, not to think about everything I would change if I could. Or not, because what would that fix? (Plus, you know, all the implications of time travel, blah blah blah.)
And at then Pack’s “Time Loop” comes up on shuffle. I couldn’t have picked a better song for the moment if I tried.
I feel the events of the past few days pushing me into something new. Foreign and scary. Perhaps this trick of the brain is a defense mechanism- it’s easier to think about what I could have changed 25 years ago vs. the changes that need to be made in the here and now.
All of this feels silly, a little emotionally overwrought. Posting it just the same, at least for now.
11:49 a.m. - 2024-02-27