Is it strange that I feel relief?
I dreamt I was alone.
The abandoned kind, the kind where the people who count leave. Over and over.
I was myself, but also not, in that way you’re never really yourself in dreams. Bits and pieces are there but something about the assembly is off. Rearranged.
The loneliness was palpable.
Earlier I had woken myself by laughing, not just once but twice. If only the the laughter is what had stuck with me. Instead I still feel heartsick.
Maybe it’s that the memorial was last night.
Maybe it’s because I dreamt of new people, but they still managed to find familiar ways of letting me down.
(relief/reprieve because none of the old ghosts were there.)
8:34 a.m. - 2023-07-07