hypnagogia returns
I took down an earlier entry about some of the issues I’ve been dealing with since the beginning of August. I didn’t care for the way it was written, and I don’t think I was in the right mental state when I posted it.
Which is kind of what the whole entry was about.
Plus, it’s in my nature to second guess myself.
Constantly.
The dissociative stuff, though - while (mostly) mild, it’s been pretty frequent lately, which is frustrating. As I said in the now deleted entry: it’s the state between wakefulness and sleep; a numbness to outside stimuli; a heavy curtain between myself and the rest of the world.
At least that’s what it feels like for me.
I’m assuming my brain is in offline mode because my pain levels have been higher than usual. It gets overwhelming.
Right now we are on our way to see Cory’s parents. Soon we will pass through the Ouachitas. I will wave in the approximate direction of my father’s hunting cabin near Daisy. I will not name the hills as creatively as Ernst.
My in-laws have a beatiful view from their back porch. Techincally they don’t have lakefront property - there is a tiny sliver of Army Corps land between them and the shoreline - but the view is unobstructed and spectacular. It’s one of my favorite places in to be.
In November we will get a cabin at the nearby state park, situated directly on the lake, just as we do everything Thanksgiving. But for this trip we wil stay with my in-laws, in their little green guestroom, where my father-in-law now grows weed in the guestroom closet. This is funny because he was a youth pastor when I met him, twenty years ago. The in-laws are good people; I’m lucky in that regard. Maybe I will write about them sometime.
For today I end here, thankful for increased mental clarity the past couple of days. Hoping things continue to trend this way.
6:10 p.m. - 2023-09-15