recoil
Sleep has been scarce this week.
I'm deep in the hole of some of my worst behaviors. These cyclical thought patterns, speeding up and crashing in on themselves, are multiplying my anxiety.
Is the lack of sleep the cause or the effect?
The drawing helps. The drawing hurts.
Pushing outside of my comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. I know the practice and repetition are necessary, but I’m impatient with the process. I hate when things don’t come naturally to me, and I wonder if I can ever push myself in the direction I want to go. Maybe my brain just isn’t wired that way.
But I’m also doing more of the work I love, the work inside of my comfort zone, or rather comfort-zone-adjacent. To what end, I do not know.
There’s a group of artists that meet locally, and recently I’ve been thinking about joining. I avoided it for the longest time, for fear of running into C, but I recently confirmed he participates in a different group. All of these years I’ve managed not to see him, but some part of me still fears he could pop up unexpectedly. He only lives twenty minutes away.
Anyhow, I think it would be good to get out of the house more, and out of my head, so I might move forward with it. Maybe my brain would calm the fuck down.
The anxiety has been making me irritable, and I know it.
I really wish, more than anything, that people would quit sending me horrific looking promotional materials and telling me to ‘jazz them up’.
Please, please just let me do my job. It’s mortifying that anyone might think I actually designed this stuff. Save us both some time. I’m not jazzing up the awful flyer you made in Word. I’m starting that shit over from scratch.
Amen.
10:48 p.m. - 2023-09-22