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This is the entry where I declare I will write in here more often, blah blah blah, etc.
(It will be another 11 months before I write again, simply because I stated that).

I am drawn here, more often than not, because the same old shit bubbles up. It was my refuge 15 years ago, and it is now. And all that old shit has come back in a most spectacular, devastating way. All of the suspicions I harbored for 15 years have been confirmed, and while time has softened the blow, it still hurts more than I'd like to admit.

The situation is complicated to the point that I cannot speak about it candidly to anyone. There are the "knows" and "know-nots", on both sides of the affair, a 15 year span (ha) of dumb-fuckery. I cannot speak about it in depth to my husband, because it would mean mentioning a man whose history with me he was long intimidated by, though he had no reason to be. And now, more than ever, that relationship holds no draw.

I hate to see, not only friendships, but a marriage destroyed by the very people who should have learned their lesson the first time around. But maybe now it can all just be... over. As selfish a request as that is on my part.

I have long seen the wisdom in being wise with my heart, and seen the folly of my youth in that regard. But I now see the bigger picture, that every relationship adds up to... something. And I've spent far too much of my adult life cultivating the wrong relationships.

Here's to making wiser decisions in the next 15 years!

9:54 a.m. - 2014-10-08

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