the likeness of something lost
Today feels like the promise of fall. Cool, grey, and misty. I’m always thankful when the high temps of August give way to something more tolerable.
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I’ve slowly been copying old entries from Diaryland to my computer, insurance for if/when the site devolves into nothing. Last night I went through several of my old skatingparty entries. So much time wasted, lovesick over unnamed and unworthy suitors. I wish I could go back and tell past Jen to slow down - to prioritize myself, my wants, my needs. To be okay with taking up space. To stop shaping myself around other people.
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Health-wise this has been a rough week, so I’ve not spent much time painting. Instead, I’ve been drawing cats in Procreate, something I can do from the comfort of my recliner. Both my husband and Claire lost their pets over the summer, and I thought it would be nice to memorialize them in some way. I plan to get some nice prints made, and then frame them for the hallway.
I’ve also been doing some figure drawing. Last fall I found a website that has thousands and thousands of nude reference photos for artists. Even the commercial use credits are relatively inexpensive, and I’ve found it to be a pretty great resource. The eventual intention is to integrate this with some of the mythology and floriography I’ve been studying the past year.
I enjoy this kind of work - the extreme attention to detail, the tedium, the repetitive nature of the act. I find myself completely absorbed in it. Everything else melts away. I lose track of time and I become one with the work for a while. I love that feeling and didn’t realize how much I’ve missed it.
But I also struggle with the idea that, while technically proficient, it’s ultimately empty. That maybe it’s just mimicry, and not actually art. And, if that’s true, am I okay with it?
What does it matter, if I enjoy it? I suspect this is just my brain finding another way to be unkind.
I’m also struggling through the idea of turning this into an actual job - if I were to monetize this skillset, what would that look like? It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea of commodification, especially now that I’m unemployed. I must remind myself that my value as a person is based on more than measurable standards.
Wherever I land, longevity has to be one of my top considerations. I’ve already been self-employed in a creative field and ended up completely burnt out. I need to figure out something that I will enjoy long-term, something with room for growth so that I don’t feel boxed in.
I guess this circles back to the entry I posted about Betsy Walton a couple of months back, the idea that a person can pursue commercial work and fine art practice at the same time.
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I feel like I sat down with concrete ideas, but it all devolved into something messy. Just the same, I’m posting this.
8:07 p.m. - 2024-09-03