hibernation
After two hours spent in fruitless hypnagogia, I find myself awake and writing this short update.
I am unwell, more so than usual, stuck in an endless cycle of rest, responsibility, and recovery.
I feel like a shell of a person, functionally making it through each day, but only half present. The other half has retreated somewhere deep inside, waiting until conditions are more favorable to reappear. I have not drawn. I have not read anything of substance, save for the occasional poem. I have survived the holidays, and I suppose that’s enough. Every year they seem a little more pointless and unnecessarily indulgent.
I find myself lacking the energy or motivation to post these days. Even reading and/or commenting on other entries has seemed overwhelming, and for that I apologize.
Because I can’t manage to write an entry with any substance, here are several random thoughts from my notes app over the past two months, the meaning of most I am still trying to remember:
- Creativity used to blindly express feeling vs. creativity used as a means to explore emotions more fully
- You collect points of data to work towards a solution; I collect data to form a tapestry
- Pyramid scheme - meritocracy - benefiting from the work you sewed into people
- Just found out Cory once got dumped for a circus performer. (This one is self-explanatory and the source of endless amusement.)
- If you lead a horse to water, he might get a drink, but he won't teach a man to fish. (Cory, while drunk and playing cards over Thanksgiving.)
- Circumstantial vs. Intrinsic Trauma, i.e. the trauma of being neurodivergent
- How can you fully love someone who won't allow themselves to be fully known? Do you settle for the scraps?
- Things that I chose vs. things that have happened to me. Active vs. Passive. Circumstances that have shifted over time - how much longer before all of this is cemented into place?
- It's so dangerous, to want someone who will always and only sit in your comfort zone with you.
***
Imagine that each of those notes was a brilliant and well-written entry.
For now, I sign off.
Maybe things will trend upward in the new year. One can hope!
2:35 a.m. - 2023-12-28